Tired thoughts

Is it hopeless, to want a love like that? 

The kind of love that inspires movies and books and songs. 

Is it delusional, to hope to be loved like that? 

I know I can love like that. 

I'm just not sure I can be loved like that.  

Because if history is anything to go by…

I'm left time and time again… feeling like I'm not worth it. 

Maybe I give too much, too quickly. 

That's kinda hard to avoid, when I wear my heart on my sleeve. 

"Not everybody is worthy of your love"

 It's easy to look back with shame. Chapters of my life that ended horribly. Where my brain malfunctioned completely. Where too much stress, and a history of trauma, and pain, caused my neurons to go haywire. 

That shame is often amplified thinking about the people in my life who walked away when I needed them the most. 

People I thought loved me and cared about me. People I loved and cared so deeply for. People I'd supported through their darkest moments. 

Was my pain really something to be ashamed of? Such a huge burden?

I'm so incredibly grateful to the people who did stick by me and try their best to love and support me.

To my family, no matter how dysfunctional we can be, we are always there for each other. 

And the friends who did stick around, despite how difficult that was.

I love easily. And I care deeply.

As a wise soul said to me today:

"Not everybody is worthy of your love."

Late nights, deep thoughts

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. 

I've hurt people, and I've been hurt. 

I have trouble forgiving myself.

I blame myself, even when it wasn't my fault.

I apologise, even when I'm the one hurting. 

I'm trying to be a better version of me. I'm trying to forgive myself, and love myself, the way I love others. But it's not easy. 

I'm trying to allow myself to be loved, while standing tall in my worth, and creating boundaries. 

I'm trying to look towards a future, when I look back at a past full of so much pain.

I'm trying to be present, and not let the dark thoughts weigh me down. 

I'm trying. 

Whispers of Doubt

 I'm a whirlwind of emotions tonight and as usual, it's easier to spit out a poem than it is to talk about how I'm feeling. 

I’m still battling with these 

Whispers of doubt

The part of me

That doesn’t believe

I can manage without

Without 

Someone holding my hand

Without 

Someone to lean on

Without support from other people

I feel lost and alone

But what does it mean, to be 

Independent and free?

Is it about choosing

A life that makes me happy?

Maybe that life

Involves support 

From people I love

With

Someone holding my hand

With

Someone to lean on

But giving me space

To make my own choice

To decide for myself

Which way forward.

Long distance love

 Long distance relationships are hard, especially early in a relationship. 

I found myself really upset last night, which turned out was fuelled by hormones. But I really missed him. 

I want movie dates, and laughter, and yummy food, and cuddling on the couch, and instead, we've got video calls... and texts... and more video calls.. 

I'm trying to use this time to focus on me. 

But it's hard. 

I found home in his arms, and I'm homesick.

 

TW: sexual assault

 The third chapter of my memoir recounts some of the abuse I've survived. The The last paragraph felt important to share:

Sex is an act of vulnerability. It is intimate, and should be loving, with someone who respects you, with someone you trust. When sex is an act of violence, of disrespect, of trauma, it scars the victim in ways they don’t even realise. It would haunt me in moments of intimacy with partners who did really care about me. It would haunt my dreams. It would haunt me in how I would present myself, how I would dress, and how I would act around strangers. It would haunt me in how I would act around lovers.

And in some ways, it still haunts me.

 

Scars

 

All those things
You never dared to say out loud
They left scars
Where others cannot see
All the hurt
You kept inside now flows
Down your cheeks
When others cannot see
All the hands
That disregarded your consent
Leaving broken walls
Where others dare not be
All the guilt
That was never yours
Fills you with doubt
Where others cannot reach
All the pain
That others caused
They left scars
Where others cannot see

It took me a long time to recognise that what happened to me wasn't my fault.  

Homesick

 Sitting in a hotel in Sri Lanka, listening to the rain, writing poems and lyrics.. never thought this would be my life, but here I am.  

I'm feeling like I need some direction though. Like I need some solid goals. I know I want to go back and pack up my unit in Sydney, and close that chapter of my life. But where to from there? So much uncertainty... 

I've been struggling with my mood a lot today. A phone call with a friend helped me on point why I've been feeling so low. And it boils down to safety. While there has been a nice layer of safety being with my parents, we've been travelling a lot, and not really had a home base for a few months. And even prior to leaving to go to India, I was lacking safety, and didn't feel like where I was living was "home".

What defines "home"? 

Somewhere you can go to seek shelter from the world? To switch off? 

Somewhere you feel loved, and supported, accepted for who you are? With no pressure to be anyone or anything, a space to just exist.  

But what happens when that pressure comes from within you? Then, nowhere is going to feel like home, nowhere is going to feel comfortable or safe.