TW: sexual assault

 The third chapter of my memoir recounts some of the abuse I've survived. The The last paragraph felt important to share:

Sex is an act of vulnerability. It is intimate, and should be loving, with someone who respects you, with someone you trust. When sex is an act of violence, of disrespect, of trauma, it scars the victim in ways they don’t even realise. It would haunt me in moments of intimacy with partners who did really care about me. It would haunt my dreams. It would haunt me in how I would present myself, how I would dress, and how I would act around strangers. It would haunt me in how I would act around lovers.

And in some ways, it still haunts me.

 

Scars

 

All those things
You never dared to say out loud
They left scars
Where others cannot see
All the hurt
You kept inside now flows
Down your cheeks
When others cannot see
All the hands
That disregarded your consent
Leaving broken walls
Where others dare not be
All the guilt
That was never yours
Fills you with doubt
Where others cannot reach
All the pain
That others caused
They left scars
Where others cannot see

It took me a long time to recognise that what happened to me wasn't my fault.  

Homesick

 Sitting in a hotel in Sri Lanka, listening to the rain, writing poems and lyrics.. never thought this would be my life, but here I am.  

I'm feeling like I need some direction though. Like I need some solid goals. I know I want to go back and pack up my unit in Sydney, and close that chapter of my life. But where to from there? So much uncertainty... 

I've been struggling with my mood a lot today. A phone call with a friend helped me on point why I've been feeling so low. And it boils down to safety. While there has been a nice layer of safety being with my parents, we've been travelling a lot, and not really had a home base for a few months. And even prior to leaving to go to India, I was lacking safety, and didn't feel like where I was living was "home".

What defines "home"? 

Somewhere you can go to seek shelter from the world? To switch off? 

Somewhere you feel loved, and supported, accepted for who you are? With no pressure to be anyone or anything, a space to just exist.  

But what happens when that pressure comes from within you? Then, nowhere is going to feel like home, nowhere is going to feel comfortable or safe.

Stay

 

Nearly 800, 000 people kill themselves every year. Last year, I was nearly one of those people. I was convinced my life wasn't worth living, that I was a burden to everyone, and that I was completely worthless.

If I had ended my life, I would have missed so much. So many smiles, hugs, so much laughter and joy. I would have missed out on meeting the love of my life. And I would have left behind so much pain.

No matter how dark it seems, things will ALWAYS get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week. But, if you are struggling,  PLEASE reach out. You are not alone.

You are worthy.
You are loved.
You matter.
And I'm glad you're here.

Healing

 

Sometimes we think we've moved on, healed the pain from the past, and then suddenly we get confronted, triggered, upset. And often, the hardest part on the journey of healing, is not forgiving others, but forgiving yourself. 

Forgiving yourself for not knowing then what you know now. 

Forgiving yourself for not saying or doing what you wanted to say or do. 

Forgiving yourself for staying, when you knew in your heart you should go.

And on my journey of forgiving myself, I get stuck, hit speed bumps, and take wrong turns, more often than I'd like to admit. But the weight of my past pain has gotten heavy, and it's time to let go. 

It's time to forgive. And heal.

Part 2 chapter 2 - freedom to focus

Sri Lanka, paradise... a paradise in political turmoil, but paradise nonetheless. 

Being in Sri Lanka has given me the freedom to focus - on myself, on my writing, on where I'm headed. 

I had decided about 6 months ago that I wasn't going to invest the time, energy, and commitment needed to complete the honours year of my degree. After all, I have a 10 year window and can always return to it later.

I've spent so much of my adult life dedicated to my studies, and I just.... I just want to live for a change. Ultimately,  the whole reason for doing my degree, and the other courses I've completed,  is to make a difference in other people's lives. 

I know what it's like to feel broken, alone, desperate. I know what it's like, and I want to sit with you while you find your way back to the light. 

With my lived experiences, and my academic knowledge understanding, I want to start making a difference, using the skills I have.

Plus, being in Sydney generally makes me miserable,  it's not a place of peace, but clouded with memories, most of them negative. 

So I'd been thinking I wanted to focus on my creative endeavours- my writing, art, photography... perhaps pick up some casual care work.

And then I met a man, and when our worlds collided I realised that I had a new path entirely. A path walking beside him. But we haven't quite worked out which way that path is headed. So in the meantime,  I'll continue to appreciate my new found peace and freedom within myself, reflect on what I want career-wise, and enjoy the serenity in Sri Lanka.