Lost

 You can't escape your past. 

But you can't change it. 

You can't run away from yourself. 

But you can grow, and learn, and change the path you're on. 

I don't want to let my past haunt me any more. 

Let go...

 

I have just under 5 weeks before I head back to Australia. 

Part of me feels ready. 

I'm not the same person who left Sydney. She was fragile, an anxious depressed mess. 

I'm stronger. Happier. Healthier. 

But I'm still kinda sorta maybe definitely terrified of going back. 

Being back in the same environment where I was so broken. I know it's not permanent, and I'll be putting the wheels on motion to move asap, but moving isn't easy when you've got no money.  

And where am I moving to? 

So much is up in the air. 

It'll all work out… right? 

Let go… and let…. God?

What i remember most...

 It Seems

The first thing I forget about someone

Is the sound of their voice.

I've always had a terrible memory. Call it a symptom of a life time of trauma, i guess. 

I may not remember her voice, but I remember the tears streaming down her face that day. 

I remember, a week or so later, how she walked away. 

I remember feeling so lost, and confused, and alone. 

And i remember feeling so broken, and used.

My memory often fails me. But the things I do remember, oh how I wish I could forget. The curve of her hips. The softness of her kiss.

I don't know what hurts more. Remembering the love. Or recalling the hurt. 

And when I find myself drowning in those memories, I remind myself. She walked away, when I needed her most.