Becoming a Mum

My last post was a letter to the father of my child. Yep, that's right. I've had a baby. A beautiful baby boy.

He's nearly three months old now. The first few weeks of his life have been... utter chaos. I won't get into great detail in this post, but I am just gonna take a moment to talk about postpartum. 

My mind, my body, and my spirit are forever changed. 

• My mind.. Between the hormones, the sleep deprivation, and the pre-existing mental health issues rearing up, I feel like a hot mess. 
  
  
• My body.. Stretched, stitched, scarred. My body feels foreign to me, it's like I'm learning how to love this new physical version of myself.
  
  
• My spirit.. Transformed. From the moment this sweet child was placed in my arms, I felt a love like no other.

Parenthood is a wild ride, full of ups, downs, twists and bends, and so much love. But there's also been a lot of hurt. And at the moment, his father and I are separated. Will we get back together? I don't know. I'm trying not to make any big decisions, and taking things one day at a time.

I just want to be the best mum I can be, and give him every opportunity to grow into the best little human. That's a lot of pressure to put on myself, huh? 

All I can do is my best. One day at a time.

“A leopard can’t change it’s spots.”

 

I wanted so badly for it to be you. For you to be my safe place, my best friend, my everything.

Maybe it wasn’t ever meant to be. Maybe I loved the idea of who you could be, the potential I saw in you.

“A leopard can’t change it’s spots.”

Maybe you’re just not capable of being the person I want you to be. The person I need you to be. The person your son needs you to be.

Actions speak louder than words, and your actions the last couple weeks have shown me that you’re still just thinking about yourself. You’re still only worried about you.

Your son needs you to step up, and beyond yourself. Your son needs a father. A man who puts his own needs aside to support his family. 

There's part of me that still has hope. But is that just stupid at this point?

 I've had a really difficult couple of years....

My brain broke, and my world fell apart.

I was lucky enough to spend a few months overseas to focus on healing.. And now that I'm back in Sydney, I'm trying to work out what the next chapter is going to entail.

I don't plan to stay in Sydney.

Lost

 You can't escape your past. 

But you can't change it. 

You can't run away from yourself. 

But you can grow, and learn, and change the path you're on. 

I don't want to let my past haunt me any more. 

Let go...

 

I have just under 5 weeks before I head back to Australia. 

Part of me feels ready. 

I'm not the same person who left Sydney. She was fragile, an anxious depressed mess. 

I'm stronger. Happier. Healthier. 

But I'm still kinda sorta maybe definitely terrified of going back. 

Being back in the same environment where I was so broken. I know it's not permanent, and I'll be putting the wheels on motion to move asap, but moving isn't easy when you've got no money.  

And where am I moving to? 

So much is up in the air. 

It'll all work out… right? 

Let go… and let…. God?

What i remember most...

 It Seems

The first thing I forget about someone

Is the sound of their voice.

I've always had a terrible memory. Call it a symptom of a life time of trauma, i guess. 

I may not remember her voice, but I remember the tears streaming down her face that day. 

I remember, a week or so later, how she walked away. 

I remember feeling so lost, and confused, and alone. 

And i remember feeling so broken, and used.

My memory often fails me. But the things I do remember, oh how I wish I could forget. The curve of her hips. The softness of her kiss.

I don't know what hurts more. Remembering the love. Or recalling the hurt. 

And when I find myself drowning in those memories, I remind myself. She walked away, when I needed her most. 

Tired

 I'm tired. 

I'm tired of putting it all on the table

With a card that says 

"This is all I have to offer, please

Love me"

Maybe I need to learn

How to play the game

But that's not who I am

But am I just setting myself up

For heartbreak

Over 

And over

Again?

There's that old saying.. why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. 

I'm tired. And it always ends the same way.