TW: sexual assault

 The third chapter of my memoir recounts some of the abuse I've survived. The The last paragraph felt important to share:

Sex is an act of vulnerability. It is intimate, and should be loving, with someone who respects you, with someone you trust. When sex is an act of violence, of disrespect, of trauma, it scars the victim in ways they don’t even realise. It would haunt me in moments of intimacy with partners who did really care about me. It would haunt my dreams. It would haunt me in how I would present myself, how I would dress, and how I would act around strangers. It would haunt me in how I would act around lovers.

And in some ways, it still haunts me.

 

Scars

 

All those things
You never dared to say out loud
They left scars
Where others cannot see
All the hurt
You kept inside now flows
Down your cheeks
When others cannot see
All the hands
That disregarded your consent
Leaving broken walls
Where others dare not be
All the guilt
That was never yours
Fills you with doubt
Where others cannot reach
All the pain
That others caused
They left scars
Where others cannot see

It took me a long time to recognise that what happened to me wasn't my fault.