Pop Pop

 I've never had a strong relationship with my grandparents. We moved to the other side of the world when I was 6, which makes it hard to maintain relationships with family. Once we moved, my maternal grandmother would post vhs tapes of my favourite cartoons from the UK (Lambchop's sing along, the Wombles, and Rupert Bear, just to name a few!) 

When my mum and I returned to Scotland 10 years later for my grandmothers funeral, my grandfather, a very reserved man, was very quiet, obviously dealing with the grief of losing his wife. The day we left, was the only day he gave me a big hug. And once back in Australia, we kept in touch on Skype, talking almost every night. I was devastated when he too passed away. 

As for my dads side of the family, I never really had a very close relationship with his parents. Although, my Nanny never missed a birthday, and my grandfather sent me some beautiful pictures he painted of my favourite Disney characters, and animals. 

So when we arrived in Sri Lanka, and I met my neighbour in the hotel, it didn't take long for him to adopt me as his granddaughter. He's such a lovely man. This poem is for him: 

When to say Goodbye

 

We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. And sometimes, the people we think we're closest to, let us down when we need them the most.  

It can be really hard to recognise when a friendship isn't bringing value to your life. But friends should care, they should make an effort to be there, they should be loyal to you after a break up, and they should stick by you during the tough times, not just the fun times, or when they need you. 

The behaviour you accept, is the behaviour you'll continue to get. 

Remember, your time is precious. Don't waste it on people who don't prioritise you. 

Part 2 chapter 1 - Sri Lanka

Sri Lanka!! I was so excited to see elephants, and knew it wouldn't be long before we saw each other again, I wasn't too upset about leaving my man in India. But about a week in, and I'm missing him terribly. 

Sri Lanka is beautiful, it really is like paradise. The weather is warm, but not humid. The traffic is much more relaxed than India, the people are friendlier, and it's cleaner. 

Three days in, and I hadn't seen a single elephant!!! So we booked a safari through the wonderful tuktuk driver we'd met, and it was so much fun - we saw SO many elephants!!

But, as is the way with mental illness, it can creep up on you. I'd been feeling so good the last few weeks, that when my mind started to spiral one night, I didn't really know what to do with myself. 

I shouldn't have been surprised. I haven't slept well since arriving in Sri Lanka, often waking up several times through the night after having horrible nightmares. 

The second evening of spiralling, I sunk pretty deeply. Like a cloud, it blew in and engulfed me. 

But, nothing stays the same. Good, bad, happy or sad, things are constantly changing. 

I had a zoom session with my counsellor, And we talked a lot about what I might be feeling incomplete about, and she suggested I write a letter to the person I feel like I need to talk to. I've ummed and ahhed about it since, but I'm yet to put on to paper.  It'll happen, when I'm ready. 

Sometimes...

 

Last night, my brain fell into that dreaded spiral again... I'm so used to this going wrong, it's like I'm waiting for the rig to be pulled from beneath me.  

And I started thinking. It felt like I'm living in this sort of fairytale, with reality awaiting me in Sydney. And it's a reality I never wanted to exist in, nor do I wish to return to. But I have to go back at some stage. I've got a unit full of stuff, a dog, and a degree to finish. 

And I have to remind myself.. nothing is permanent. Good or bad, smiles or sadness, everything shifts. 

So hold on through the tough times, and appreciate the smiles and joy. 

Chapter 10 - Destiny

 I never thought I'd end up in India. And while sitting on my own in my unit in Sydney, trying desperately to pull myself out of the hole I was stuck in, a good friend of me said: 

"You know Jen, sometimes we think we've got it all planned out, and then it doesn't work that way. But God has a plan, even if we can't see it."

I'm not super religious, though I do believe in a higher power. 

And going to India really was the best thing I could have done for myself. It took a few weeks, but gradually and then suddenly, I started to feel like me again. 

Next stop on my travels was a trip with my dad to the beautiful koteshwa temple. Absolutely stunning, so serene..

We also took a trip that day down to one of dads tunnels. It was interesting, it was the first time being in one of his tunnels since I was very little. The most fun part for me was stomping about in puddles with wellies on.. some things never change!! 

My birthday was fast approaching.. meanwhile, since attending the wedding in Delhi, a certain boy and i had been texting every day... feeling very smitten with one another.  He told me he wanted to take me out on a date on the Friday before my birthday, and was also planning a birthday party for me for the Saturday. How exciting!! He said he wanted to ask my father's permission to take me out, and while my dad was honoured, he said it was up to me.  Of course I said yes.  

Leading up to the date I started getting more and more anxious, but the moment we saw each other all anxieties dissipated. 

He took me into Srinigar, and we had an amazing rooftop candle lit dinner, overlooking the entire town. It was very romantic. 

The next evening, he had done such an amazing job organising my party. There were balloons, delicious food, and wonderful company. 

Without a doubt, I'd fallen head over heels in love with this man. I've never felt such a strong connection, nor been so compatible, with anyone before. But in just a few days we were due to leave India, and head to Sri Lanka. 

On our way to Delhi, we stopped and spent a night in rishikesh, and my man followed, before heading off to visit his family. It was hard saying goodbye, but we both knew it wasn't forever. At the moment, he's applying for a visa to visit me in Sri Lanka, and I miss him dearly. 

This ends the section of my story on my journeys through northern India, but I've no doubt I'll be returning soon! Keep your eyes peeled, the next section about arriving in Sri Lanka is on its way!!

Chapter 9 - The Wedding

 When my dad mentioned that he'd been invited to a wedding, I freaked out.. internally, of course. I was still finding my feet, finding my equilibrium... the thought of going to a wedding seemed kinda terrifying, but I agreed to go, it would be an experience right? 

So a couple of days later we went into srinigar to find clothes to wear to the wedding. I really didn't expect to find anything, and was fully ready to wear jeans and my favourite green jacket.. 

But then, the third ship we walked into, I decided to try on an outfit. And this totally surprised me.  Mostly because the top was very pink, and I almost never wear pink.  The bottom was a beautiful blue skirt.  

I tried it on, came out of the change room, and felt a smile creep across my face.  

And that moment, looking up at my dad, who was telling me how stunning I looked, was a moment of pure joy.  It was a moment of happiness I allowed myself to have, guilt free, for the first time in a really long time.  

The wedding was an absolute blast. Beautiful dresses, dancing, food, and a very happy newly wed couple. 

It was also the night I connected with my soul mate. 

Old Habits Die Hard

 I have been meaning to update this blog with a other travel chapter... but the last few days have been hectic. 

I have so much to look forward to. But tonight, after 5 days of travelling, and sleep disrupted by nightmares, the walls felt like they fell in on me. That familiar spiral of negative thoughts started again. The feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, of being unlovable... I know it's not true. But it became such a default way of thinking,  for months.

I have so much to look forward to. I need to let go of the past. And be present.

 

Chapter 8 - Mussorie

  Someone at dads work had insisted we had to visit mussorie. So before heading back to Samrat from Rishikesh, we stayed a night in Mussorie.

 Why was this place recommended!?! The views were nice, but it was chaos!! So. Many. People. And the drive to get there was very windy roads. I don't usually get car sick, but this journey had me queezy!!

 On the drive back, the driver took a different route, which took us along windy roads, but featured lots of snow, and some very beautiful  views...