I've had a really difficult couple of years....

My brain broke, and my world fell apart.

I was lucky enough to spend a few months overseas to focus on healing.. And now that I'm back in Sydney, I'm trying to work out what the next chapter is going to entail.

I don't plan to stay in Sydney.

Lost

 You can't escape your past. 

But you can't change it. 

You can't run away from yourself. 

But you can grow, and learn, and change the path you're on. 

I don't want to let my past haunt me any more. 

Let go...

 

I have just under 5 weeks before I head back to Australia. 

Part of me feels ready. 

I'm not the same person who left Sydney. She was fragile, an anxious depressed mess. 

I'm stronger. Happier. Healthier. 

But I'm still kinda sorta maybe definitely terrified of going back. 

Being back in the same environment where I was so broken. I know it's not permanent, and I'll be putting the wheels on motion to move asap, but moving isn't easy when you've got no money.  

And where am I moving to? 

So much is up in the air. 

It'll all work out… right? 

Let go… and let…. God?

What i remember most...

 It Seems

The first thing I forget about someone

Is the sound of their voice.

I've always had a terrible memory. Call it a symptom of a life time of trauma, i guess. 

I may not remember her voice, but I remember the tears streaming down her face that day. 

I remember, a week or so later, how she walked away. 

I remember feeling so lost, and confused, and alone. 

And i remember feeling so broken, and used.

My memory often fails me. But the things I do remember, oh how I wish I could forget. The curve of her hips. The softness of her kiss.

I don't know what hurts more. Remembering the love. Or recalling the hurt. 

And when I find myself drowning in those memories, I remind myself. She walked away, when I needed her most. 

Tired

 I'm tired. 

I'm tired of putting it all on the table

With a card that says 

"This is all I have to offer, please

Love me"

Maybe I need to learn

How to play the game

But that's not who I am

But am I just setting myself up

For heartbreak

Over 

And over

Again?

There's that old saying.. why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. 

I'm tired. And it always ends the same way.

Flashes of memories

 Every now and then I get flashes of memories. The happy memories are worse, if im honest. 

I can't deny you. You were such a big part of my life. I still tear up thinking about how it ended.

But I look forward to a happy future, while being grounded in the present.  

Despite...

 Despite the fact I've spent all day

Lying in bed spiralling

With those awful thoughts on repeat

I get up, and jump in the pool 

And swim until I'm short on breath

Despite the fact that I'm hating 

Myself today

With those awful thoughts on repeat

I resist the urge to sit under the shower

And wallow even further

Despite the fact I feel alone

Rejected, unworthy

And so God damn unsure

I put on a brave face

Because despite what my depression

Tries to tell me

I'm worthy, i have purpose

And I won't give in

Despite... and maybe to spite you

I won't give in